Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize