Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I'm both gender and math confused
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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