I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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