Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
