i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
