Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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