Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
