Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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