Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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