I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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