census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
