Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize