So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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