at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
