It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Randomize
