Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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