Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
