Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
