is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Semen is not good for contacts.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
