someone threw a dead crab at me
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i just had sex bonerless
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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