Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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