I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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