sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
