i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
