All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Everything about him screamed your future.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
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