My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
