I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
my being single is dangerous.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
