Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
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