GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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