Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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