Can Purell be used as lube?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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