I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
