This is not my ceiling
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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