hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Randomize
