You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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