i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize