this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
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