textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
