what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
