Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
