I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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