I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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