is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
