The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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