I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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