If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
