He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
