It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
