Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
So much Jack, so little girl.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
