Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
