He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
