I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
