Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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