this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
