i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
