I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
