I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
