do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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