Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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